Most people have no idea how much better sex they could be having. In our sex-negative culture, many people never experience sex that is up to the mind-blowing level it can get to. It’s not necessarily about new positions or broadening your horizons, although those things can help. It’s more about having a connection with your own body and sexuality, and about conscious interactions and the way you show up.
Be Authentic
So often, when someone wants to connect with another person sexually, they focus on trying to be desirable and presenting themselves in a certain way. It can be fun to put your best foot forward, but don’t hide behind a mask or sacrifice who you are to please others.
Don’t contort yourself or overly stretch yourself to fit into ideas about how you think your partners should see you. If something doesn’t feel good to you, acknowledge that. If someone is wanting more from the connection than you are, or if you are wanting more than they are, be real about it.
Communicate Openly
Being authentic often requires open communication. People tend to have way better sex when they communicate about what they want and don’t want.
Our culture does not teach people how to talk about sex and sensuality, though, and many people are having only mediocre sex, or even bad sex. Let your partners know what you like and don’t like.
It can also elicit open communication from partners to ask them questions. Four things to remember when asking questions are: speed, pressure, location, and depth. So, for example, asking things like, “Is that the spot?” or “Do you want me to go deeper?” can help make you a better partner!
Sexual communication involves the safer sex talk. This can feel awkward for some folks, but it’s actually sexy because it indicates to partners that you care about your health and their health. It can be daunting to share with someone that you have an STI.
But letting partners know this helps establish trust and foster intimacy. Of course it’s important to get tested as needed. If you’re HIV-positive, make sure your partners know that they can potentially get PrEP free online through the amazing services of Q Care Plus.
Be Present
When people get stuck in their heads during sex, it can take away from their capacity for arousal and pleasure. Sometimes thinking is important, like when making decisions or when having fun with fantasy. But for the most part, sex is a time to get out of the head and into the body.
See if you can pull your attention away from things like your to-do list, or wondering if you look unattractive with the lights on, and place your undivided attention on the sensations you feel in your body and your partner’s.
If you find your attention keeps slipping away, see if you can bring your awareness to all the points of contact between your body and the other person’s body. Notice the sensations there. Try taking several deep breaths to help you relax and sink into the moment.
Or ask yourself if something is potentially wrong, and if you need to stop what you’re doing and address something.
Give your Body a Safe Space
Many people feel pressure about their body behaving exactly how it’s “supposed to behave” during sex. But there are many times the body just doesn’t do what you want.
Perhaps you’re not maintaining an erection or you’re ejaculating quicker than you want. Please try to let go of any pressure you feel around this, and just give your body a safe space to be how it is in each moment.
Sex that relies too much on this or that particular sex act can be lacking in imagination, and there is a whole world of sexual pleasure you can share with others that doesn’t require your body to do anything it’s not naturally doing.
If someone else’s body is not doing what they want, you can give them a safe space by letting them know that it’s all good and you are happy to connect with them in other ways.
In addition to self pleasuring, there are various ways you can have a deeper connection with yourself as a sexual being. Be yourself, talk openly with your partners, let your mind quiet down while the focus is on the body, and let yourself off the hook if your body isn’t behaving the way you want. Just be playful and enjoy the ride.
Learn More
Are you ready to connect with your body and take control of your sexual health? Talk to one of Q Care Plus’s dedicated providers who specialize in sexual health. Create a profile to get started.
Kristen O’Guin is an agender sex therapist and relationships expert who spent many years living off-grid in Hawaii. She intentionally lived off-grid so she could reconnect with nature, her body, and her sexuality.
After moving back to the states, Kristen obtained a Master of Education in Human Sexuality Studies at Widener University. She loves using her experiences to help people reconnect with themselves and have pleasurable, holistic experiences.
